Tuesday, December 21, 2010

NIGHTMARES (1983)

[Update 09/06/2021: Need to redo this review completely. Fix the screenshots also.]

Most likely trying to cash in on the popularity of CREEPSHOW, NIGHTMARES showcases four completely lame supernatural horror short stories...

1. "Terror in Topanga" Nope, it's not a horror story about the chick from "Boy Meets World" being reduced to pornography then has a evil elf set up shop in her vagina. Instead, it's about a woman going to a store late at night for a carton of cigarettes while there's a serial killer on the loose. Weak. Zero gore, zero tension, zero tits, very little blood. Complete boredom.

2. "Bishop of Battle" Nope, it's not a horror story about a the workers of a chainsaw factory called Bishop Chainsaw getting into a massive fight with zombies. Instead it's the extremely weak story about a dude who listens to Black Flag who gets into a fight with a video game and eventually sucked into the game itself. Silly. Zero blood, zero gore, zero tits, zero reason to give a fuck.

3. "The Benediction" Nope, it's not a gore soaked horror story about a gay priest/serial killer stalking the area around a early 1980's NYC gay bar called "The Benediction". Instead, we have Lance Henriksen completely wasted as a priest tormented on a desert road by a truck driven by a demon. Sounds cool, but it ain't. Not even close. I was so bored I wanted to slam my dick in a car door of an orange 1986 Ford Escort.

4. "Night of the Rat" Nope, it's not a pitch black horror-noir set in the early 1940's about a innocent grocery store worker in Berlin who is mistakenly fingered to be a rat by a local mafia that has strong ties to the SS. Instead, we get a family that hears strange noises at night and it ends up being a giant rat. What a surprise. Zero tension. Completely ridiculous.

Not only were all the stories weak and instantly forgettable, but there was nothing tying them together. I don't know what the back story is on this movie is, but it looks like they just had a bunch of crap laying around so they slapped it together to get a feature film length running time and just released it. Fuck it, they thought, CREEPSHOW was popular, so we should get enough suckers to watch it to recoup the cost.